A fresh start, room to grow, a new blog. These are the things that I want, need right now. Somewhere along the line I feel that I’ve lost my path. The side paths were too interesting and I had a lot of fun exploring them. Ultimately there comes a point where the main path either beckons you back, or you risk getting lost on those winding side paths forever.
When I started my old blog, it was from the perspective of someone who was coming back to Paganism after years of atheism and exploring the left hand path traditions. It served it’s purpose in helping me to grow and explore, but there comes a time when a plant gets big enough that you have to re-pot it to give it room to grow or it stifles and dies in the limited space that originally served to house it. I feel that I need that room right now a chance to start over and not be overcome by the momentum that my old blog was leading me on. I found it very hard to escape that inertia that was behind me of false starts, wrong turns, and old definitions. I’m sure I’ll have my share of them here too, but the very act of starting over fresh has behind it a powerful symbolism.
Let me make it clear this blog is for me. I’m not writing it for other people, I’m not writing it to be interesting, I’m not writing it to appear knowledgeable or impress you with how much I know or impress upon you how devoted I am. I don’t care if anyone ever reads it, though if you do choose to join me, I hope that we can be companions on the journey, if even for a short time.
Sometime last summer, closer to the fall really, I started having doubts about my path as a Druid. I had just started the OBOD Ovate course, and the AODA apprentice curriculum, and everything fell apart. Since then I’ve explored new systems, redefined myself about a half dozen times, and have generally been miserable. I can’t tell you how many nights I sat in front of my altar wondering where to go next. Doing “my own thing” was a breath of freedom at first, but I quickly realized the value of tradition. Don’t get me wrong, I think this was a necessary part of my journey, but I long to go home now; hopefully this time a little bit wiser and more sure of myself.
My problems with Druidry were many fold. I felt that because I had no affinity for the Celtic deities I had no business defining myself as such. Also the orders I belonged to did not seem to truly encompass what I viewed a Druid to be in my mind, though they helped enrich me in their own right. In someway I couldn’t put my finger on I longed for something more. My explorations into Traditional Witchcraft have helped me learn many things which I will take back with me, but in the end I know that I’m not a Traditional Witch. Witchcraft remains a integral part of my own Druid path, but it is not the entirety of that path.
Not long ago I heard the call of Cerridwen, A goddess I have never dealt with, whom I journeyed to see. What transpired is for my knowledge only, but it set in motion my return to Druidry. That same night Emma Restall Orr’s book Living Druidry fell off my bookshelf and opened to a page I really needed to read. I hated this book when I first got it and promptly set it on my shelf without a second thought after the first read though. Now it seemed like an entirely new book to me! I found myself eagerly devouring it’s contents and having words and phrases leap off the page making sense to me. Sometimes we’re just not ready to read the books that come into our lives, but they have a way of making themselves known when we are.
Not long after that I discovered this article on Feral Druidry by Craig Cartmell. It was another knock on the head for me, describing perfectly my own personal view of Druidry and my experience with it. I now strive to have a balance between working with the Traditional druid orders, and listening to the call of nature while “doing my own thing”. I’ve named my blog after this concept (I hope Mr.Cartmell won’t mind). Again, this is not something I wrote or thought of, but it’s a concept that I wish to frame my Druidry around, as it pretty much sums up my view on the subject perfectly.
New vistas ahead, new mistakes to make. Spring is a good time for new starts. It’s time to put myself back together, with a fresh new pot and fertile soil in which to grow. Now I start the journey home again.