So I realize this post may come off as alot of whining and hand wringing but I figure, that’s what this blog is for, just speaking whats on my mind and bothering me without filtering it. So I’m writing it anyway.
So I joined the Druid Network (TDN) the other day. Thus far I haven’t really felt that OBOD or AODA really reflect my view of Druidry very much and I’ve consistently liked everything I’ve seen coming from TDN. I got on their message boards and wasn’t disappointed. These are great people. However reading everyone’s posts I had this nagging feeling of Druidry still not being quite right of a fit.
I thought about this a lot (because that’s what I do), and I realized that I’ll never be comfortable with the Celtic connotations. I tried to reach out to the Morrigan, but honestly I’m just not feeling it as is probably evident from my luke-warm write up of the experience. I think things would be different if A) I lived in Celtic lands where the deities have been honored for centuries or B) I had some strong spiritual connection to the Celtic gods, but I don’t. I don’t want to be somewhat who says “I’m a Druid but I don’t do that Celtic thing”. I don’t like adopting a tradition and then changing it so much to suit my own current views that it loses all spiritual growth potential.
I realized that basically what I’ve done in my own practice is start practicing Witchcraft and slapped the label Druidry on it. I’m also tired of trying to walk both paths at the same time because I feel like I’m committing to neither of them fully, and truthfully I only have time for one (I’m the father of a 2 year old, a 5 mo old set of twins, husband, and have a career that requires mandatory on-call. Time is not on my side. Any time I spend practicing my craft is at night and being taken from my sleep schedule).
I really love something about Druidry. I think it is beautiful and something about it does call to me, but there will always be that *twinge* there of being a square peg in a round hole. If I lived across the pond I would pursue it wholeheartedly, but as a Midwest American with no spiritual interest in the Celts I want something that I can really lay claim to without feeling disingenuous. I feel that is really the Craft. I’ve been to this exact same threshold so many times, but I never actually have crossed it or committed to it.
My mind pretty much made up I decided to consult my spiritual allies on the subject. For weeks I’ve been getting messages of letting go and fresh starts in the cards anyway. I fired up the Horned god altar, and prayed. I made offerings of pine incense, spring water from a local sacred well, and a bowl of whiskey. I also asked my ancestors to be present and made my offerings of Kanaga water to them well at their shrine. I used a different tarot deck to represent each of their answers, the Wildwood for Cernunnos and the Archean for the mighty dead.
Cernunnos’s deck spoke of the death of the old and new spiritual re-birth. This confirmed my own thoughts. The ancestors… the first card out was death (strangely appropriate). Both agreed in my mind. Leave Druidry behind for good and make a true commitment to my Craft. I thanked them both and ended the night with a good old fashioned witchcraft spell that manifested it’s goal by the morning.
Then with my mind finally at ease about this subject for the first time in weeks I settled into bed for sleep, feeling very good and peaceful about the decision. I would fully dedicate myself to this path on Samhain.
I dreamed… first was a strange dream about a war between faeries and goblins over a large rock done in 1980’s Labyrinth style! Interesting but nothing important. Then another dream strong and resonant. I woke up not remembering a bit of it at all except for the word “Nodens”. I did remember that if there was anything I remembered from the dream it was that word. Every time I woke up through the night I’d repeat “Nodens, Nodens, I must remember.”
In the morning of course I was like “Who or what the hell is Nodens?” So I googled it find it’s another name for Nuada, king of the Tuath De Danan! Coming on the heels of my Morrigan experience this is strange that another would contact me.
Obviously this was something real considering I’ve never heard the name before but it turned out to be a real god name. As of last night I pretty much decided that I’m not going to pursue anything with The Morrigan, and honestly I STILL have no interest in the Irish pantheon. But obviously they are having an interest in me…
I’m really confused. I don’t really want to delve into a new set of gods and new pantheon etc… but when they are trying so hard to get your attention is it really wise to ignore them? Not sure what to do with this. Is this them trying to tell me to continue on with Druidry? Last night my mind was made up and I felt at peace. This morning I’m second guessing myself again because of this.