This winter Solstice for me is all about fresh starts. Honestly, a fresh start is what I sorely need. I looked back this morning at my second blogging entry ever, on my old blog. I want to re-capture that sense of wonder regarding spirituality that I had then. You see, at that point in 2008, I was just returning to Paganism after almost a decade on the left hand path. Every thing was new again. I was excited abut finding Druidry. I was trying to connect to my ancestral gods again for the first time in years. Most of all, I didn’t have all these per-conceived notions about what my spirituality should look like that I seem to have collected now.
A few weeks ago, I really wanted to just set the slate clean. I decided to try Andreieh Vitimus’s Online Ceremony of Transformation. Reading the description it seemed to be exactly what I needed. So I prepared the mirror sigil and herb mixture the night before.
So I burned the incense, brought out the mirror, and listened to the ceremony. It was amazing. I did indeed go into a very deep trance state. What I thought was interesting what that, even though it’s a guided meditation (which I normally don’t like), I’d spring ahead and see things before he actually narrated about them. Then I had a very intense experience.
At one point I was dissembled. my body was suffused with light and I became the “space in between the spaces”. There was no physical body, not even an astral body, just the very spirit of my conciseness that exists in between all that stuff. Then I got put back together in reverse.
After the ritual I was filled with energy and felt renewed. I had trouble sleeping, but when I did I had strange strange dreams. Even though I didn’t sleep well I woke up energized, refreshed, and renewed with this insatiable hunger to learn and re-engage my spirituality again. As a matter of fact I feel down right fantastic, better than I have in ages.
Oh and I also shaved my head. That’s right, I cut it all off, and shaved it down to the skin. This is something I’ve wanted to do for awhile (My hair grows REALLY fast and I’m sick of needing hair cuts every few weeks or looking like a Sasquatch). This was strangely liberating, because it’s a territory most men fight tooth and nail to avoid. I felt like a new person facing the world, on my own terms. It was a very symbolic and meaningful act for me. More fresh starts, more of me taking my own destiny in my hands.
However, I’m cognizant that simply taking symbolic steps to a new beginning is meaningless and useless unless followed up with real world actions. So many people get caught up with taking first steps they forget to take the second and third. So my spirituality is my own again. I have broken my chains, but how can I recapture that sense of wonder I had 3 years ago?
As I’m writing this I’m realizing that I need to dismantle my altar too. I am very fond of my altar, it’s a source of pride for me. I go to great lengths to maintain it, it’s the physical representation of my inner landscape. However, being that central physical representation of my inner world, I know that if I’m going to make any lasting changes, it too has to go.
You know what? Dismantling it will be harder than cutting my hair. That alone tells me something, don’t you think. So tonight it goes and I start simple once again. It feels like the right thing to do. I’m tearing down the entire tower down to it’s base, rubble and all.
I know one thing for certain is that I want to re-engage my Druidry. I simply put, want to be a better a Druid, one actually worthy of the title. This afternoon I plan to go out into the forest again, just like I did those 3 years ago. Thankfully it snowed this morning, making it all the more magical outside. Then I plan to take the oath I wrote for myself for the Order of the Yew, which I plan to petition for entrance into.
Hopefully a more in depth write up of my solstice celebration to follow tomorrow…