For the past few weeks I’ve tried to settle in to opening myself up to other deity relationships. The truth is, I haven’t been feeling Hekate lately. I pray to her and I get crickets. I sit in front of her altar and nothing comes, no sense of presence, no visions, my attempts at communication through divination just nonsense. I thought that perhaps she had left me and it was time to give The Morrigan a chance. Which I did. I really really tried, but no matter how hard I tried, my heart still longed for Hekate, crickets and all. Somehow she found herself from the small shrine I had erected for her, back onto the main spot on my altar.
My mind goes to one of the quotes from one of the lessons of Jason Millers Strategic Sorcery course (which he said we could quote brief sections from, so I hope this counts as a brief section!).
The Strategic Sorcerer knows that in his practice there will be long periods of dullness. He will meditate and have no insights or moments of illumination. He will invoke the presence of his angel and no conversation will be had. He will call upon the presence of the highest and feel no light. He will make offerings and sense no-one at his feast.
The Strategic Sorcerer persists in his work. He knows that these periods are the result of the newness of whatever state he has been enjoying wearing off. He knows that if he ceases his work, or takes up a new practice in an effort to recapture the excitement of newness, that he has failed the test. If he persists in his work it will not be long before the sorcerer experiences deeper insights than ever before, clearer communication with his angel, and a warmer and more powerful light than he ever imagined.
-Jason Miller Strategic Sorcery Lesson #52
Have I fallen into this trap? By giving up so easily, have I not failed this test? I know that for the past few weeks, without having Hekate in my life (crickets and all), I have felt spiritually desiccated. I haven’t wanted to come to my altar. The thought of doing any spiritual work seemed more like a chore than the joy it usually is. I realize, from these weeks without her, just how central to my spiritual practice she has become. She’s the glue that holds it all together. Sure I could rebuild, turn my back on her, start again, but why? Would I be any happier on that new route?
I part of me so badly wanted to make the Druid thing work this time that I felt the need to squish myself into a Celtic shaped hole to make it do so, even though deep down in my heart I know I just still don’t do Celtic (Don’t worry, I’m not leaving Druidry again. I’m fine with being a non-Celtic Druid these days).
I know that I would rather sweat bullets trying to connect to Hekate than give up. I know this is only a dry spell. I’ve heard people very often recently commenting on the same pattern, her leaving. Perhaps she leaves to see if we will come back? Perhaps she thinks we can stand on our own? Or perhaps the illusion that is put out there is one that spiritual work is all fire works and visions and supping nightly with the gods, all the while wrapped in ecstasy (not that this doesn’t happen, it does. Just not all the time). That tends to be the fun stuff to write about.
But what about the dryness in between? The struggling to connect, the persistence? Yes I fell into the trap. I know in my heart that with Hekate is where I belong. A part of me still often comes back to the idea of worshipping her exclusively. Giving her my full attention and just plunging myself in her mysteries. I always come just the precipice of this decision and always turn back. Could I give up the Horned god (who I really see more and the Horned Spirit. My gnosis combined with Scylla’s is really how I see him. More of an ancestor really). Would I have even to? As it stands She is the only being I really Worship. The horned god I treat more like a spirit relationship (with great respect of course).
How would such an arrangement work? Is part of the problem of dryness I’m having just me holding back?
Yes, giving up the others gods would be a sacrifice, but isn’t that the whole meaning of sacrifice? Isn’t there sort of a leap of faith there? Jump, take the plunge and see if she catches me. I always say this isn’t being asked of me, but what good is such a commitment if it has to be asked for? If she demanded it of me, I would say yes and it would be easy, only the choice to say yes or no… but to offer of my own free will, is that not somehow more?
I always ask Hekate for a divination at these times I contemplate it, and I ask
“Should I give up all others to follow you?”
Each time my answer is complete gibberish, which I interpret as “Figure it out yourself”. Last night I turned the question around and asked:
“If I were to of my own free give you my sole worship, would you accept”.
The answer was clear and concise. Yes.
Is this where I go next?