Hail to the Queen

For the past few weeks I’ve tried to settle in to opening myself up to other deity relationships. The truth is, I haven’t been feeling Hekate lately. I pray to her and I get crickets. I sit in front of her altar and nothing comes, no sense of presence, no visions, my attempts at communication through divination just nonsense. I thought that perhaps she had left me and it was time to give The Morrigan a chance. Which I did. I really really tried, but no matter how hard I tried, my heart still longed for Hekate, crickets and all. Somehow she found herself from the small shrine I had erected for her, back onto the main spot on my altar.

My mind goes to one of the quotes from one of the lessons of Jason Millers Strategic Sorcery course  (which he said we could quote brief sections from, so I hope this counts as a brief section!).

The Strategic Sorcerer knows that in his practice there will be long periods of dullness. He will meditate and have no insights or moments of illumination. He will invoke the presence of his angel and no conversation will be had. He will call upon the presence of the highest and feel no light. He will make offerings and sense no-one at his feast.

The Strategic Sorcerer persists in his work. He knows that these periods are the result of the newness of whatever state he has been enjoying wearing off. He knows that if he ceases his work, or takes up a new practice in an effort to recapture the excitement of newness, that he has failed the test. If he persists in his work it will not be long before the sorcerer experiences deeper insights than ever before, clearer communication with his angel, and a warmer and more powerful light than he ever imagined.

-Jason Miller Strategic Sorcery Lesson #52

Have I fallen into this trap? By giving up so easily, have I not failed this test? I know that for the past few weeks, without having Hekate in my life (crickets and all), I have felt spiritually desiccated. I haven’t wanted to come to my altar. The thought of doing any spiritual work seemed more like a chore than the joy it usually is. I realize, from these weeks without her, just how central to my spiritual practice she has become. She’s the glue that holds it all together. Sure I could rebuild, turn my back on her, start again, but why? Would I be any happier on that new route?

I part of me so badly wanted to make the Druid thing work this time that I felt the need to squish myself into a Celtic shaped hole to make it do so, even though deep down in my heart I know I just still don’t do Celtic (Don’t worry, I’m not leaving Druidry again. I’m fine with being a non-Celtic Druid these days).

I know that I would rather sweat bullets trying to connect to Hekate than give up. I know this is only a dry spell. I’ve heard people very often recently commenting on the same pattern, her leaving. Perhaps she leaves to see if we will come back? Perhaps she thinks we can stand on our own? Or perhaps the illusion that is put out there is one that spiritual work is all fire works and visions and supping nightly with the gods, all the while wrapped in ecstasy (not that this doesn’t happen, it does. Just not all the time). That tends to be the fun stuff to write about.

But what about the dryness in between? The struggling to connect, the persistence? Yes I fell into the trap. I know in my heart that with Hekate is where I belong. A part of me still often comes back to the idea of worshipping her exclusively. Giving her my full attention and just plunging myself in her mysteries.  I always come just the precipice of this decision and always turn back. Could I give up the Horned god (who I really see more and the Horned Spirit. My gnosis combined with Scylla’s is really how I see him. More of an ancestor really). Would I have even to? As it stands She is the only being I really Worship. The horned god I treat more like a spirit relationship (with great respect of course).

How would such an arrangement work? Is part of the problem of dryness I’m having just me holding back?

Yes, giving up the others gods would be a sacrifice, but isn’t that the whole meaning of sacrifice? Isn’t there sort of a leap of faith there? Jump, take the plunge and see if she catches me. I always say this isn’t being asked of me, but what good is such a commitment if it has to be asked for? If she demanded it of me, I would say yes and it would be easy, only the choice to say yes or no… but to offer of my own free will, is that not somehow more?

I always ask Hekate for a divination at these times I contemplate it, and I ask

“Should I give up all others to follow you?”

Each time my answer is complete gibberish, which I interpret as “Figure it out yourself”. Last night I turned the question around and asked:

“If I were to of my own free give you my sole worship, would you accept”.

The answer was clear and concise. Yes.

Is this where I go next?

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22 Responses to Hail to the Queen

  1. William says:

    Oh, but she is lovely.

    Strangely, though… I would never have considered this image to be Hecate. I would have associated it with Lilith. Do you see a connection between the two goddesses, if only in how they “feel?” Of course, that may not be the right thing to ask, if you’ve never read about or encountered Lilith.

    Thanks for sharing this.

    • Bone Druid says:

      Hi William, thanks for commenting!

      Hmm, no I’ve never actually encountered Lilith before, so as you mentioned, I’d have a hard time commenting on them. Just on the surface though I can see some similarities. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the graphic IS Lilith. Things get re-labeled so often on the internet these days. I do strongly associate Hekate with snakes though, so that’s why I chose it.

  2. Ambrosius says:

    You know, the Goddess may just be giving you space. Over the last few weeks you made several important changes which still have to mature so the Goddess taking a little vacation doesn’t seem out of place here. I’m just curious (not prying or anything, I generally don’t like asking people about their deities and stuff) to know where the Nordic deities went, are they still present? Also, while I’m asking stuff here, I’d like to know what your stance on inter-pantheon(ic) relations is: do you suppose it’s possible that one can’t mix worship of certain deities due to enmity based on cultural ties (for instance Roman deities vs Teutonic deities)? Blessings.

    • Bone Druid says:

      Hey Ambrosius,

      No worries, I don’t take it as prying. Yes Wuldor particularly is still around, but I kind of consider that to be a “secondary” relationship. Honestly he’s always kind of around, even if quietly. I am at this point unsure what to do about that right now.

      As for inter-pantheonic relations I’m all for them! I mean i wouldn’t invoke Thor and Set together for example, but I think some are very close in nature and amenable to it. I personally tend not to mix totally different pantheons in the same ritual (as you mentioned Teutonic and Roman), but I see no reason why not to pursue their worship separately. I don’t think the pantheons were as separate to our ancestors as they’ve been made out to be to us though. It’s a good question. i think there is a lot of grey area there to be explored.

  3. Aubs Tea says:

    The Fallow Times are common in all spiritual practices. From my perspective, the reasons vary from our being the cause to Their being the cause. The one thing I’ve found, time and time again, is that the Fallow Time is always a test. And at the end of that test, a profusion of newness emerges.

    I say, good luck.

    And know that we all have Fallow Times.

    • Bone Druid says:

      Thank you Aubs Tea! I totally agree, I think the fallow times are a test. I should honestly know better, since I’ve gone through this many times in the past. Thank you for the good luck, and I wish the same to you! Thanks for the comment!

  4. aynfean says:

    I don’t even think I can tell you how much this post meant to me. For starters, it left me in tears. It spoke directly to an issue I’ve been struggling and wrestling with and no where I turned seemed to have any answers. After Samhain the Morrigan has felt completely silent, meditations are met with frustrations at feeling nothing and I started to question if my Path was right for me or if I was just making it all up to feel special.

    After reading this I feel encouraged, less alone, and I don’t feel like a failure any more. Thank you from the bottom of this little witch’s heart.

    • Bone Druid says:

      Yay Aynfean! I’m very glad it was able to help you in some way. Yeah don’t feel a lone at all. I’ve seen a lot of people have this problem, it’s not at all uncommon. We just need to push through it.

      • aynfean says:

        I’m the only pagan I know locally, so the online community is all I have. The one site I frequent most is kinda dying and I don’t get the interaction there I once had. Blogs like yours are really the only learning I get from others these days.

  5. Kaye says:

    October 2011 was a hard month for me because I lost something very important to me: my necklace. This wasn’t just a necklace, though, it was a symbol of my connection to the deity I work(ed) with; you may know him as Anubis. In my workings with him, he was much more the guardian and the pathfinder than the god of embalming/death that most people associate with him. The true irony is the fact that I lost the necklace I viewed as my connection with him in a maze.

    Shortly before this time, I had a meeting with Anubis. It was sudden and at an inopportune time, but I listened to what he had to not-say (‘t’was quite intense anger, at me and at The Boyfriend of five years), but for what I have no idea. Since then and the loss of my necklace, it’s as if he has gone completely silent to me – he and the rest of the Otherworld/Spiritual plane/whatever you would like to call it.

    Reading this post and the comments, I see that I am not alone in these feelings and my experience. I spoke to my spiritual adviser a few months ago and felt better about the situation, but it still felt like I had been abandoned. I’m embarrassed to say that I essentially abandoned hope of ever finding my way again, despite the signs that there is a quest/finding situation that I’m supposed to be doing. I dropped the spiritual world and the Work because I felt it had dropped me. But I’m beginning to see that this isn’t the case. There have been little signs, nudges, trying to push me back to the Path, and now I think I’m ready to listen and find my way back.

    I would also like to say this, though: Reading your blog is always a joy. It’s not fluff, it’s not Overly Srs Business. It’s thoughtful and as concise as it needs to be. Reading about your trials with Hekate and the Morrigan has encouraged me to try and find my way back to where I believe I’m supposed to be going. So I wanted to thank you for that, and encourage you to keep writing.

  6. Mist says:

    I’ll echo what Aubs Tea has already said, and add my personal experience to it. I’ve had a couple *years* now of near silence from the goddess whom I once worshipped exclusively and frequent but sporadic glimpses of Dionysos. When I inquired of Dionysos why this should be (He was visiting me in a dream), he showed me something through a series of images:

    At first I was staring down through a still lake at Dionysos suspended just below the surface. I hemmed and hawed but finally reached my fingers through to touch him. He pulled me into the water with him where I enjoyed a few brief moments of basking in his presence, then he was suddenly gone. I swam around at the level I was already at in the water but couldn’t find him. Then I swam deeper and found that he was there and had been beckoning me deeper the whole time but was just out of my vision. This bit repeated again and again with brief periods spent in the midst of Dionysos, then a fretful search when he went deeper and I failed to follow, then a final realization that I just needed to go deeper the whole time.

    I don’t think the analogy I was shown is necessarily true in all cases, but I thought I’d share in the hopes that it would offer you some measure of comfort as you continue on with Hekate.

    At least you didn’t get a “no,” right? 😉

  7. Never a truer word spoken! I totally hear where you’re coming from with this post. There were things I picked up on that seem to be quite common all of a sudden with us Hekateans. Many points resonated with me personally and by mulling over your words I’m edging closer to a different level of understanding regarding my relationship with Her, which I’d already resolved to attempt to intensify/develop more throughout 2012.

  8. journeymaid says:

    Thank you for this post, it’s nice to hear someone talk about the ABSENCE or LACK of spiritual contact. After all, I think all of us, whether we worship gods or do other kinds of spiritual work, experience these types of dry spells. For me personally, spiritual life has always had it’s ups and downs, and the “downs” I try to see as opportunities to focus on other things for a while, feeling confident that sooner or later the spiritual side of me willl once again step up and claim me. Though for me it hasn’t been about connecting with certain deities (at least not consciously), I’ve had long periods where I for no apparent reason just stop having premonitions in my dreams, have no ghostly encounters, and everything spiritual suddenly seems so far away. But on the other hand, there are some periods where things just HAPPEN almost on a daily basis (things like spontaneous astral projection, meeting ghosts, experiencing telepathic connetions and so on). Of course I am always a bit sad when those exciting periods are over, but I really do try to feel confident in that it will always come back. I’d love to hear more about how other’s deal with that, by the way!

    Finally, I’d just like to say thank you for inspiring me. Though I feel a strong connection to she who I refer to as Mother and he who I would call Father, I’ve never really explored me feelings towards the deities in the established religions or cults. In fact, I haven’t even explored the possibility that those two that I spontaneously connect to might in fact have names, might be specific deities known to others. After reading this post, I feel like exploring the subject a bit closer. I have quite a lot of academic knowledge of different pantheons, especially from the pre-Christian Scandinavian religion, and perhaps it is time for me to look into the matter in a more personal way? Anyhow, thank you for the inspiration, and now I think I will have to meditate a bit on the question before I share my thoughts with the world on my blog. With love /JourneyMaid

  9. Scylla says:

    This may be on the side of “Obvious” – but wouldn’t she be in the Underworld right now, searching for, and preparing to, escort Persephone back to our World?

    Hecate has always been the countenance presented by “Witchmother” – whether they are one and the same is not exactly in my reach just yet. And my experience has been that she is unreachable at some times.

    One wonders what The Underworld of the gods is like, and then it makes sense… no reception there.

  10. It is very possible my friend that you have fallen into the “trap”, but more than a trap is part of the devotion process, some people call it The Dark Night of the Soul, Crowley call it The Silent and Dryness of the Love One, he explain it very well in his Liber Astarte, that by the way is the devotional system that I follow, with sometimes little modifications, because I consider that the Liber Astarte, for me, is the best devotional practice that one can find, the structure and methodic procedure is very useful and I can guarantee the results.

    Well, anyway, I can say that, by my experience with Hekate,She is not really The Distant One that the people call Her, that you don’t feel Her doesn’t mean that the Queen is not there, belive me, She is Always there, more closer that you thing, remember that carefully my brother, She is Always there, have faith in that thought, that is the key for you to survive Her devotion, She can hide herself, energetically speaking, from you, She is always going to prove your love, no matter if you have 1 week or 30 years with Her, She is the most hard with her sons, and that is a gnosis that I have found between many Hekatean brothers. She even can send you spiritual tests, sometimes very horrible, in order that you progress in your path, many underworld related.

    I will share something with you because I sense that it can be helpful to you:

    I remember, a little, that in one ritual that I direct as Priest She speak through me, it was a half-medium thing, I do not lost all my conscience in the rite, and She came loud and say something like: “Do you will follow me in your desperation? Do you will love me in your pain? Will you remember me in your sorrow. Will you seek me beyond your unhappiness” and other things but I hardly remember all because, well it is hard to remember that things in that trance state, but that words indee stay with me and with the others participants in the ritual, and now when I fall in that Dark Night of the Soul I remember that, and the promise that I made of always stay with Her no matter what.

    So never thing that She is gone, the Great Goddess is always beside you, She can go to other places and at the same time be with you, because… well because She is Hekate, the Creador Goddess, the First, the Source of all Magic, She is everywhere. There will be times when you call Her and dont sense even a tingle in your body, but She is there, just is not the time and moment for you to feel Her.

    Hope this help you and may you can always found comfort in Her Dark embrace.

    For Her I Live

    Grímnir

  11. Pingback: *scratching my head and wondering about deities and how to deal with them* « myinnerpath

  12. submerina says:

    Even more than experiences of successful devotion, I think the sharing of this sort of thing is so very helpful to all who are on related paths. When you read blog after blog of people having marvelous experiences with Deity, it makes you wonder what you’re doing wrong. I wonder how many people abandon their practise because they feel like they are doing something wrong, based on what “everyone” else seems to report.

    I “lost” Her several months ago, when my depression kicked into high gear and my life became dominated by it, leaving no room for anything else. Very long, very dark night. To go from daily dedications and praises, regular readings and offerings, picking up things for her to _nothing_… it’s awful. Her altar stands abandoned, because I can’t bear to be in a place that feels so foreign to me.

    But at the same time, I haven’t stopped speaking to Her (just not formally). I act as if She is still listening, even if I don’t hear Her in return.

    I know the disconnect came from my side, but it seems as if She has merely withdrawn so that I can learn what I need to. I am envious of those whose lives are so deeply intwined with Her, but realise my need for Her does not equal Her need for me. She has opened me up to another form of guidance and learning; maybe She’ll be back, maybe She won’t. It’s not as if I could hide 🙂

  13. hexenkunst says:

    from my personal gnosis the horned god emanates out of hekate-
    he is the light of her torches, the dogs that follow her, the snakes she holds in her hands and that curl in her hair or around her body, he is her key, her knife, her oinoche- in all her symbols i can feel him. he is the horned beast that was once sacrificed for her- like the bulls and goats that medea sacrificed to hekate…

    so if you honor her, you also honor him. he is one of the many spirits and gods that can come with her, when she is called on in rites…

    hekate was always my main deity, i was worshipping only her, but when she came, she brought sometimes other spirits and deitys with her, and they got their share on HER offerings…

    and i also have the times, when i feel distant from her, when i couldn´t fell her presence, but than there are the times when her presence is so strong and radiant, but i think that is normal- its balance…

    • Bone Druid says:

      Hexenkunst, I very much like that idea. It resonates with my own UPG that she’s given me, and such authors as Mark Alan Smith who see The Horned god as an emanation of her. I think you are 100% spot on there!

  14. Sparky says:

    This is strange – I am going through a period like this as well. I am taking the silence as a chance to re-learn and re-evaluate as well as re-explore everything I’ve learned thus far. Just because I’m left to my own devices doesn’t mean I should halt everything ;). You never know, a stubborn bear might learn sumthin’.

    • Seillean says:

      Agreed, it’s nice to have that time to step back and re-learn what you need to isn’t it?

      • Sparky says:

        I personally think so, it is nice to get the chance for a ‘review,’ and even the same old information can be relearned from a different angle and thus – learn something completely new. So when work commences again, I am armed, and ready.

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