I’ve had a somewhat long (and public) struggle with Druidry. Those who have been with me since the Oak and Ivy days can’t even probably remember the number of times I’ve publicly given it, up only to recant and come back.
The latest round of “what makes a Druid” really stoked my fires, and hit a nerve in case you couldn’t tell. The reason for this, is even though I still stand by everything I said in that post, something of the opposing argument did ring true. Druidry is a fit for me, but it’s never been a perfect fit, mainly for the cultural reasons. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to give it up, it won’t give me up is the problem.
The Druid hat has always been one that has rested uncomfortably on my head, yet it always draws me back. Why is this? Because I am actually growing in new directions, yet that doesn’t mean I somehow cease to become what I was. I think of it kind of like a pearl. I started out with a Druid core, but as I’m growing layers upon layers are being over overlaid upon it. Yet there still is a Druid layer in there somewhere.
Still the current round has given me a lot to think about and I have been thinking about it often since my last post. While I do identify as Druid, I don’t identify solely as a Druid. There’s Druid in there somewhere, but I feel like a fraud trying to come off like it’s the main label I identify with. The past month has seen me explore some new areas and refine others. I have been immensely happy with my magical/spiritual path. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was this happy with it. I’ve gone through both changes in worldview and practice.
First off, it’s all about the magic. I am primarily first and foremost a magician or sorcerer. I’m doing a lot more of it. The itch is staying quelled, and I am happier than ever before. I remember once when I was in my 20’s I did a ritual to dedicate my life to magic. I guess the universe take that kind of thing seriously. Magic brings me the spiritual fulfillment I’ve been seeking elsewhere.
A lot of this has to do with engaging ritual magic as of late. It’s filling a niche that previously Druidry filled for me, the “respectable solar path”. I still do witchcraft too, though I haven’t talked about it much. I’ve been learning straight from spirits and Hekate herself to make a very personal witchcraft path that doesn’t translate well. It seems to me that I’ve kind of got a cunning man thing going on here, combining the two. Really the only label that fits right now is Magician or Sorcerer.
Also, I’ve hinted at this before but I’m not even sure I’m pagan any more. As a matter of fact, I really don’t consider myself such right now but I’m kind of loath to give up membership card I guess. I still work with pagan deities. Hekate is a constant and she gets about 90% of my devotion these days. I still work with Old Horney on occasion. I’m interested in making a connection witha few other gods who shall remain nameless for right now. Yet I’m now pretty much embracing a Hermetic/Chaldean world view and interested in both monotheism and polytheism (I don’t see them as mutually exclusive). I am finding solace in The Father/The Good and the Logos as well. Right now all I care about is finding truth, and labeling myself as strictly pagan seems too confining on that quest. It’s kind of freeing honestly. I don’t know, I’m not making any hard statements or choices here on purpose.
So I’m having increased trouble fitting all of this under the Druid label. The other day, decided to evoke Hekate herself, using a new spirit contact method I read about and wanted to test. It worked beautifully! I asked her about my path. The Reply: “You are crossroads folk“.
You are crossroads folk. Beautiful. It makes sense on so many levels. There’s the magician/witch association with crossroads, but there is also the liminality, the being stuck between multiple ways yet belonging fully to none. This is one of the reasons she is my goddess. She’s the goddess of “crossroads folk”.
There’s a lot being talked about in the blogosphere about the HGA right now. This all started happening right around the time I decided to try contacting my own. I do not have K&C yet, but I do believe it is guiding me as a result of this. As it draws nearer, my path becomes clearer.
So really the only labels I’m comfortable with right now are Mage or Sorcerer. Mainly because it conveys Magic First and magic as a tool for spiritual exploration, and does not preclude the interaction with any of the spirits, gods, or denizens of the cosmos. Every day that I’m on this path I feel more sure or myself and happier.
I’m not necessarily saying that I’m up and leaving Druidry, because every time I do it comes to bite me in the ass. At the moment though, the Sorcerers path is my primary focus, and the one which is yielding the most results. My blog will reflect this from now on. I hope you, dear reader, won’t judge me for constantly shifting labels. It’s all part of the process of finding ones way in the dark. Just know, that right now I am very very content with were I’m at.